Time 4 Yourself

Your Attention, Please

2011-01-03T10:33:00.000-08:00

I just ordered a sign. I'm not sure exactly where I will hang it but I'm thinking maybe outside the front door. Here's what it says: Please turn your cell phone, ipad, ipod or any other electronically connected devices off. If you feel you cannot go without texting, checking email or facebook or taking calls, please come visit us another time. By the end of the holidays I was ready to toss every cell phone user out of my home. What is with the need to be plugged in or connected every second? From my 16 year old granddaughter to my 33 year old daughter to my brother to my friends, the electronic device seemed to be permanently attached to their hands.

Am I being unreasonable? No. Am I that boring to them? Well, that is another question all together. Am I guilty of excessive cell phone/internet use? Ok, now that is getting a bit too close to home. I do have to admit that there are times when I text or answer texts that could very well wait. I know I am not doing it as an intentional slight to those around me and yet that is exactly what it feels like when you are on the receiving end of it.

And here is the other thing I've noticed. The more plugged in I am, the more I have to do, the busier I am. One text leads me to think of contacting someone else, who suggests another possibility and before I know it an hour has gone by.

Does any of this land for you? I've begun this year by asking myself if the busy-ness I complain about or the busy-ness that keeps me from being better balanced or more focused on self care isn't just my own self-destructive choices reminding me of their consequences.

From now on checking email on weekends will be done once a day only. It's a small step but it is a step. And no more non urgent texting at any time! OMG. I can feel the withdrawl pains already. I guess that sign should go in my office, huh?

Signing off,
Nancy

Nancy Leport is a certified life coach and certified PeopleMap Trainer. She can be reached at nleport@frontiernet.net, 585-768-4684 or by going to www.nancyleport.com. And if you try to reach her on the weekend, be patient. She only checks her phone and email once a day!

Are You Sleeping?

2010-12-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

I went to bed at 6 pm last night and I wasn't sick...just tired, very tired. As a result of my checking out so early I missed text messages from my daughters, supper with my husband and any other responsibility that might have been mine to attend to, respond to or finish up. And you know what? The sun still came up this morning and the world is still spinning on its axis.

I've never done that before. No matter how tired or sick I was there were things I had to take care of. Sleep came after everything else was done and everyone else was tended to. What about you? Does the thought of it give you palpitations or does it feel like a glorious luxury you could definitely see yourself doing?

As a culture we are sleep deprived. As busy women we passed sleep deprived so long ago we aren't sure what is a normal sleep cycle anymore. And some women who say they can't sleep are only dealing with the fallout from not being able to shut off their brains, their to do lists,or their endless sense of responsibility.

Study after study has shown the positive effect of enough sleep on our bodies and our productivity but still we claim we don't need it, don't have time for it or can't. Is this really a badge we want to wear? What does it tell our children about the need to care for our bodies by getting enough sleep? What does it say about our own self-respect?

So I'm going to challenge you for the new year to get enough sleep, make it a priority, put your health first and see what surprises await you.

(PS My early bedtime threw my husband so much that he didn't sleep at all last night. Too bad, because it was a lovely night for sleeping!).

Give Yourself a Gift

2010-12-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

This morning a colleague of mine posed the question "what gift would you give yourself?" And so I am borrowing that question and posing it to you because it is a great question! In coaching we called questions like these inquiries. An inquiry can't be answered quickly and requires some time and reflection before we can formulate an answer. This was truly an inquiry because as we struggled to answer it we began to see the many layers that wrapped themselves around it.

There is the layer of cost. The layer of intent. The layer of why. The layer of what. The layer of how. The layer of when. The layer of guilt. The layer of practicality. The layer of need vs want. The layer of pleasure vs. denial. The layer of motivation. The layer of indifference. The layer of fear. The layer of joy. The layer of grace. Well, you get the idea.

Many of you who read this blog have said that you wish for the gift of time for yourself. What woud this gift look like...I mean really look like in the flesh and blood of your reality? How many layers have you peeled back in order to face this as an inquiry that could change your life? What would it take for you to do this? What gift can you give yourself to begin that process?

I doubt this will be a gift you will find wrapped and placed on your doorstep, although it could be a gift that is right under your feet.

Who Do You Trust?

2010-12-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

This blog is a much more practical and perhaps a bit 'in your face' than most of my blogs are! So let's get right down to it. Do you have a doctor you can trust? By that I mean have you established a relationship with a doctor who knows you and whom you know you can talk to when medical issues arise? I know it seems like such a basic question. Yet I just was talking to a friend who doesn't.And she is in a lot of turmoil because she is going from one doctor to another and then checking out their recommendations on the internet and not complying with their treatment plan. She is getting more and more confused, trusting them less and less and only increasing her original problem.

This truly is a self-care issue. We need to have experts in our lives whom we trust and to whom we can turn when we enter unknown territory without a map. And this does not just mean physicians. What about a lawyer? An accountant? Or other professionals whose advice we all need from time to time. Having a relationship with folks like this can make reaching out to them so much easier to do - long before the situation becomes a major crisis.

Take some time for yourself this week and, if you haven't already, start making some professional connections. Ask friends who they would recommend? Call your insurance company or the medical society. Schedule that appointment for your annual check up/mammogram if you haven't done so in a long time. Look over your financial/legal records. Do you need tax advice? Do you need a will?

Caring for yourself in this way will save you much time later when you may not have the time to research and investigate on your own. And the peace of mind it will bring you is well worth a little extra effort right now. Get to it! :) You'll be glad you did.

What is Stopping You?

2010-12-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

Recently I did a workshop that allowed the participants to have a 30 minute block of time for reflection and rest. This time was meant to give them an opportunity to reconnect with their souls, with what is important in them and to see what needs tending to. I was concerned that this was not enough time. Imagine my surprise when more than 50% of the group did not take advantage of the opportunity to be still!

In a group where many professed burn out and the need to just sit and be, when the opportunity arose they wouldn't or couldn't take advantage of it. Now I'm not being judgmental here, just descriptive. And I wish I could say I didn't understand but I do...alll too well.

How long does it take you to unhook from your busy-ness? When I'm on vacation I need a minimum of 2 days to even get into the vacation mode and let go of what I've left undone or to stop thinking about what I'm going back to. Our bodies and minds get in the groove of doing and it can be almost impossible to apply the brakes and stop without significant whiplash.

Jim Loehr and Tony Schwarz in their book The Power of Full Engagement tell us that after 2 hours of work our bodies need a minimum of 20 minutes to rest. Do you do that? What is stopping you from beginning this practice? Or do you just need 'practice' in establishing this new habit? Canyou take 20-30 minutes of quiet time today to reflect on these questions and to let your body recover? Or are you too busy?

Simplicity, Patience, Compassion

2010-11-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

Lao-Tzu taught "I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These are your greatest treasures. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world."

So many times I hear from busy women, my inner voice included, that 'I can't slow down and rest or take some time for myself because no one else will pick up the slack or no one else will even think about doing it or I can't relax til everything is done.' Sound familiar? You bet is does. Sound very compassionate toward yourself? Not at all.

As we get busier and more stressed our body begins to respond to the pressure we are putting on it. The response is often outward manifesting itself in illness or exhaustion. Then, we stop to heal. (Hopefully). The response of our bodies is also inward, internal, as cells begin to break down, the immune system becomes dysfunctional, our heart and lungs are taxed more and the stress hormones flooding our system attack whatever gets in their way. How does doing damage to our bodies increase our ability to be available to the world and each other? It doesn't.

Just as the body is only as healthy as its individual cells, the world (our families, our colleagues, our friends, our acquaintances) is only as healthy as its individual souls. If we don't take care of our souls compassionately, the whole world suffers.

As Lao-Tzu points out bringing simplicity, patience, and compassion into our inner and outer beings will bring health to not just ourselves but those around us as well.

With the Christmas season off and running, where will you find simplicity, cultivate patience and show compassion to yourself? It might be a leap to say this but jump I will...these are the things that make for peace on earth.

Squinting

2010-11-20T10:45:00.000-08:00

Recently while driving in Williamsburg in a rain storm, I was focused so closely on where I was supposed to turn that I actually turned into the wrong lane. There I was heading into oncoming traffic. Such fun!!! NOT. Fortunately, I was able to move over the median and into my own lane without too much distress except to my poor passenger. The next day I drove the same route and tried to understand how I made such a mistake. As I looked at the entire intersection it seemed obvious but as I thought about how I was squinting and being so focused on an opening into which to turn the night before I saw how I missed it. I wasn't looking at the bigger area. I was too narrowly focused, hyper alert and squinting.

Mark Nepo talks about how in the alertness of a crisis, paying attention to too much detail we 'squint'narrowing our focus. In doing so we often miss the very thing we need to move through it. In other words we can cut out as much of what we need as what we fear.

As busy women, we squint a lot. We get so focused on what has to be done, needs to be done and the deadlines looming whether at work or at home, we often miss the bigger picture and cut out what we need most to move us through our busy lives. I don't even want to begin to count the number of times that I got so focused on details or time constraints that I steamrolled right over the very people I needed to make the project or the relationship a success. I wish I had lots of hours, days, months and even years back where I squinted through trying to get way too much accomplished and missed the bigger picture of where my 'heart's eye'needed to look. A wider focus would have helped.

Where are you squinting? What is your heart's eye calling you to see? How wide is your focus in the key areas of your life?

Pleasure Happens

2010-11-10T04:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, let's get right to it. When was the last time you felt pleasure? And I mean any kind of pleasure. I have a friend who gave me one of the most pleasure filled tips I have ever received in my life. And I am going to share it with you. Are you ready? 800 thread count sheets!!! That's right. She said life is too short to sleep between cheap sheets. Let me tell you 800 thread count sheets aren't cheap but I took her advice to heart and waited for a sale, used my trusty coupons and now I know what she was talking about. Oh my goodness. They are a pleasure. And what you choose to do between them is your business - hopefully a pleasurable business.

So often we are focused on getting things done, checking off our list, moving through the mass of scheduling problems that we forget an age old adage. All work and no play makes Jill a dull (and sick, and late, and forgetful, and unproductive) gal.

Gena Rowlands has written an absolutely outrageous book called Mama Gena's Pleasure School. In this book she makes a VERY strong case for the power of pleasure in our lives. It is not an indulgence. It is a necessity. She gives many varied examples of the types of pleasure that will enhance your life and your productivity.

However, you don't have to even buy the book or 800 thread count sheets to get started. You can begin simply by accepting that your body needs pleasure. The pleasure that comes from rest, either a nap or 7-8 hours each night. The pleasure that comes from a good laugh. The pleasure that comes from a playful moment in a meeting or with a child or significant other. The pleasure that comes from watching a sunrise, or a deer walking through your back yard or the leaves falling or simply marveling at how your lungs rest between an inhale and exhale.

Pleasure happens - all around us. It is there for our benefit. Grab it. Let it feed your body and soul. Don't be like a friend who recently said to me "I've been so unproductive today I might as well have been sleeping." Perhaps had they been enjoying the pleasure of some sleep they would have been far more productive.

Busy Life Violence

2010-11-04T05:03:00.000-07:00

Thomas Merton said, "to allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence." Isn't that a great take on our modern day busy lives? Funny thing, he wrote that in the 1960's! Seems like we have been on this trajectory for a while and it doesn't look like we are able to stop this violence against ourselves. In previous blogs I've talked about the fallacy of thinking we can do it all and be all things to all people. Yet, despite the truth of that statement we still over commit, overdo, over extend ourselves. I certainly know that I'm more guilty of it than I would care to admit. (It is also said that you teach best what you most need to learn so I guess I'm convicted on this one!).

There are any number of reasons why we do this but I'm more interested in moving forward with a solution rather than looking at the cause. So when I read this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke something struck me. He writes: "Once for each thing. Just once; no more. And we too, just once. And never again. But to have been this once, completely, even if only once:to have been at one with the earth seems beyond undoing." The thought that struck me was with only so much time allotted to us we must be sure that what we are choosing to do with our time is what will bring us what we need, what we want to know and how we want to build our legacy with and on this earth.

For some this will mean sampling and attempting as much as possible - to experience it all. For others it will mean slowing down and savoring each moment, each encounter, each relationship. Both choices mean acknowledging that we will only do this life once. To make the choice to expend ourselves when it is not what we want or need is to denigrate the gift of life that has been given to you. To make the choice to not participate fully in day to day living is to do the same.

Being fully aware of our choices brings us from the violence of overdoing or the waste of underdoing brings us face to face with some challenging questions. What is there about your life at this moment that is unique, that is extraordinary because you are alive at the same time as another, that is the answer to the one question that means the most to you? What wisdoms are you willing to open yourself up to in choices?

Who's Watching?

2010-10-30T04:21:00.000-07:00

One of my proclivities is to take care of and be of service to others. Done appropriately it can bring satisfaction and purpose to my life. Done to the extreme it becomes a neurosis and a paralyzing way to live. It leads to overfunctioning which creates energy leaks in my body and soul. It also strips away the potential for others to learn to do for themselves. It can be a slippery slope.

It also can be a symptom of a deeper ego need - the need to please. Many times I have cursed this part of my personality as I realize too late that it is a fool's errand to try and please others with my 'brilliant' solutions or self-sacrificing actions only to be reminded that I can't please everyone no matter how hard I try. Usually this revelation comes when I'm exhausted from doing too much.

Mark Nepo in his wonderful book, The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live An Authentic Life, writes "I had tried so hard to please that I never realized no one is watching." That statement brought me up short as I came face to face with a reality I wasn't willing to acknowledge. Who is watching? An imagined parent, teacher or audience that has gathered to applaud all I've accomplish in such a short amount of time, to marvel over how good I am at multitasking, or nod in agreement when I put everyone ahead of my needs? The reality is my audience is made up of one flesh and blood person with limited energy and one life to live. That one is me.

Who's watching you rush from activity to activity, caretaking to caretaking, task to task? What are they telling you? And how does your inner self truly want to respond?

Toxic People

2010-10-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the clutter in our life comes not from stuff but from people. Last blog focused on the "stuff" that clutters our lives and as promised this one will focus on relationship clutter! And I tread gently but firmly into this blog.

There are people who, when we are in their presence, cast a negative energy over us. You know who they are. They are the whiners, the complainers, the nay-sayers, the needy manipulative ones, the negative Nellie's or Neil's who never have anything positive to contribute to a conversation. I find that my mental health spirals down when I'm with them. Too many of them at any given time and I'm in a royal funk.

Often we find ourselves working with folks like this and dread going to work or being around them. How do we get away from them in situations like this? It can be hard to impossible to physically remove yourself from their presence. However, there are things you can do.

1. Find your voice and set your boundary. For example, when they begin their descent into negativity, stop them with a "I wonder if you could frame that in the positive. Whenever you begin with a negative, I find that I can't think as creatively to solve the problem." Or, "I find that positive statements help me move forward when we are faced with a problem like this. When we work together I would appreciate it if you could share from a more positive perspective."

2. Don't spend time with them outside of work situations. Again you have to set your boundary and simply say, "My personal time is important to me and I am committed to spending it with a positive frame of mind or only with positive, upbeat people." It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions. They will have to learn to live with the consequences of their conversational tone.

Now, what if this person is a family member? Yikes, it is tough to cut them out of your life. However, you can still set your boundary with them. And each time they begin with the toxicity or gossip or negative talk, restate your boundary asking them to refrain in your presence.

Not getting hooked by folks like this is the bottom line. So even if you can't get away from them you are responsible for how you respond to them. Humor is always a good antidote to toxic personalities. Keeping yourself creative by taking time to breathe deeply is another way to respond. And removing yourself from their presence is always your default option. Always. It's not easy but it is necessary if you are to live a life of positive energy.

This is a huge topic. And there is more to it than this brief foray into it but it is a start. There will be more on toxic people and relationships to come. For now, check your boundaries. Look at where you are tolerating toxic people and how they are affecting your life. Make a plan, seek out a coach or trusted counselor to help you find your way around them. And remember you have to respect yourself in order to get the toxic folks out of your life.

Clutter Happens

2010-10-06T04:39:00.000-07:00

The last blog on environmental energy generated quite a few responses. Among them was one that said besides darkness clutter drains her energy faster than anything else. And she is right.

Look around you. Where is there clutter in your life? Is it in your office, your bedroom, your kitchen, your dining room, your living room, or your entire house? How about the basement or attic? There may even be clutter in your relationships. People who drain your energy but we'll talk about that next time. Believe it or not living in clutter drains your energy and keeps you from being as creative and productive as you can be.

What do you do with all the clutter? The obvious answer is get rid of it. But if it were that obvious it wouldn't still be there would it? If you feel you just do not have the time to clear it out yourself, hire someone. There are many reputable companies, owned by women, who just come in,declutter and organize your stuff. They are a wonderful asset to have. Not only will they declutter, they will teach you how to keep it from recluttering! You could also ask a friend to come over and help you sort through and make it a girl time. I had a friend who when her kids were little kept 3 laundry baskets under her dining room table and covered the table with a long, very long, tablecloth. You know where this is going, don't you? She would just put all the clutter - kids toys, shoes, papers, etc - in the laundry baskets and slide them out of sight under the table. Once a week she would sort them out.

A good friend of mine, Theresa Downham, who is one of those declutter businesswomen, tells folks to go to the farthest point in the room and begin there in that one corner. She advises doing sections at a time instead of tackling the whole room or house or basement at once. It works.

Bottom line, when we are busy working and caring for families clutter happens. Without a plan to keep it under control we can find our energy depleted even further just because we are living in clutter.

Clear off that desk, that counter top, that shelf and see how much better you feel and how your energy is boosted.

Environmental Energy

2010-09-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

I live in the woods. Our house is surrounded by 50 foot trees that in the summer form a canopy over us. Some would say our location is park like. And it is beautiful. However, there is a problem - at least for me. It is sooooo dark. Even on the brightest sunniest day at noon I have to have the lights on. I have come to realize that the darkness has a direct impact on my mood and my energy level. I need light.

So, when it came time to set up my home office I went for bright colors...creamsicle and periwinkle with lots of bright oranges, greens and purples. It gives me the illusion of light anyway.

I mention this because our environment can have a huge effect on our energy levels. Laura Stack in her book The Exhaustion Cure says that everything from discomfort at our desks, to the amount of light and noise surrounding us, to temperature even smells can rob us of our energy.

Have you done an environmental audit of your living and working space? Does the space you work in energize you or does it rob you of your energy (and I'm just talking physical space now)? What about your home environment? Is there a way you can create an environmentally energetic "me" space that will restore your energy and keep you focused on your ability to be engaged?

For me the answer may be beyond a cheery office but for the time being it is my energy haven in a draining dark environment. What is yours?

Rust Out

2010-09-21T07:14:00.001-07:00

I just read a short piece by Richard Leider and Steve Buchhoz form their book The Rustout Syndrome and I want to share it with you. Here it is:

"There's a silent killer that stalks America. It's called rustout and it's far more deadly and scary than burnout. Sure, burnout can wear down your body, but rustout can wipe out your soul and your spirit.

Rustout is the slow death that follows when we stop making the choices that keep life alive. It's the feeling of numbness that comes from always taking the safe way, never accepting new challenges, continually surrendering to the day-to-day routine. Rustout means we ae no longer growing, but at best, are simply maintaining. It implies that we have traded the sensation of life for the secruity of a paycheck...or the status quo. Rustout is the opposite of burnout. Burnout is over doing. Rustout is underdoing."

Many times in our hurrying around and over doing we are really settling for the status quo and not being willing to accept the new challenge of taking care of ourselves. We are so enmeshed in the day to day routine that we don't even realize that we are rusting out, not fully living life.

Do we in our attempts to overdo really short change ourselves by underdoing for ourselves?

What Are You Pretending Not To Know?

2010-09-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

Don't you love that question and secretly hate it at the same time? It comes from Susan Scott in her book Fierce Conversations where she suggests that the first thing we need to do in any situation is to 'interrogate reality'. The question she uses to do this is "What are you pretending not to know?"

Whenever we feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, or that we are unable to slow down and take care of ourselves, this question comes in handy. It's a tough question when we want to feel like a victim of our circumstances but it is an honest question. Because there are times when we can take time for ourselves, even if there are some disappointed people in our lives as a result. We don't have to be a slave to our schedule, our kids schedule or anyone else's unless we ignore the reality of our ability to choose, the reality that others are capable of stepping up, and the reality that our bodies and relationships cannot take unlimited pushing without breaking down.

So what is it that you are pretending not to know? Where are you accepting a 'myth' as reality rather than as an unrealistic expectation? What each of us thinks is true is really only a reflection of our world view or view of reality. And is that the whole truth, the whole picture? What is it we are not seeing or pretending not to see in our picture of reality?

How would tackling your toughest assumptions with a reality check change your life?

Your Wake

2010-09-09T05:08:00.000-07:00

Did anyone have an opportunity to go boating this summer? When a boat cuts through the water it leaves a "wake". It's like a consequence in the water of the presence of the boat and the speed at which it moves. Many places along a lake shore or pier will have warning signs placed so boaters know that they are responsible for the size of the wake they leave behind.

The same is true for us. We are responsible for the wake we leave behind and the faster we move the larger the wake. Our wake, however, is more of an emotional one rather than a physical one. When we are moving through our lives at warp speed, we are going to create a wake that will wash over others. Perhaps we are short with a child, spouse or employee because we can't take the time to formulate a tactful response. Or, we forget something important - a lunch invitation, a birthday/anniversary, a permission slip - and others suffer the consequence due to our wake. And if we move far too fast far too often our wake will threaten to take us under, wipe us out (sickness), and put us out of commission. When we are out of commission by what we have done to ourself, everyone who depends on us suffers.

So how can we be responsible for our own emotional wake? First, be aware that we leave one with every interaction, conversation, or encounter we have. Then take a moment to think about the type of emotional wake we have left behind. Did we leave the person reeling, spinning and trying to regain their balance or did we provide a safe environment to reflect on the encounter? Ask yourself who is benefitting from the wake I leave or is my wake destructive wearing down relationships and breaking down the connections.

To do this we have to slow down to a reasonable speed in order to pay attention to who and what is around us and how our presence will effect them.

Let's just start with slowing and noticing. Next we can look at how to manage our wake in choppy waters.

Check Engine Light

2010-09-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

The check engine light keeps coming on in my car. I go to the mechanic and he can't find anything wrong. So, I'm beginning to ignore it. Is that wise? Who knows? If I get stranded by the side of the road, I will know.

Sometimes don't you wish you had a check engine light on the "dashboard" of your life? When it starts to flash, we could stop and go get it checked out. And we would ignore it at our own peril.

Instead we go along pushing our bodies harder and harder sometimes running on fumes or worse yet empty. We might be limping along on one bald tire throwing our entire body out of alignment or we might forget to check the oil and before we know it we are broken down on the side of the road. I know the metaphor is a bit mixed and yet I also know that you can get my point from this because we have all ignored warning signs that our bodies were giving us that it was time for a tune up. The consequences haven't been pretty.

What is it in your body's warning system that signals you first that something might need attention? Do you get cranky and snap at everyone? Are you so tired that you secretly hope for a little cold to put you to bed for a day or so? Do your joints begin to ache from holding in your feelings? Is indigestion your first warning as you pop more and more antacids?

And when you think about taking care of yourself you decide you just don't have time and that things will slow down next week and you'll catch up on your sleep, eat better, exercise more. Only next week comes and nothing changes and you push on.

Our cars can't take that kind of non-care and function normally. Why do we think a complicated and marvelous machine like our bodies can? Why is it we take better care of our cars than we do ourselves? (And if your husband takes care of the car, you know how angry you would be if you ran out of gas or blew a tire or a white cloud of smoke on your way to work because he didn't take care of it).

Bottom line, my busy friends, check your engine light in your body today. What needs attending to, where do you need to go for this care and why are you waiting?

Take good care of yourself,
Nancy

What's Your Beauty Regimen?

2010-08-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

One of the things that can keep us stressed out is trying to look like those beautiful young models in the magazines, wondering why our skin isn't as smooth and flawless as theirs and knowing that if we only exercised some more we would have a waistline again. The beauty business is huge in America and it is hard not to get caught up in it.

I want to talk about another beauty regimen that has nothing to do with skin care, weight loss or designer clothes. I want to talk about surrounding ourselves with beauty on a daily basis. I read once that feeling like a victim (which, when we have no time for ourselves, we can very easily do) can't exist simultaneously with beauty.

What are the things that you consider beautiful that are readily available and around you? How about a fresh bouquet of flowers? If you don't have any in your garden, stop at the store and buy a bunch. I have a friend who has an absolutely beautiful garden and everytime she looks at it all she sees is weeds. This isn't the type of beauty gazing I'm talking about. I encouraged her to spend some time just gazing at one of the flowers in the garden, instead of seeing only the weeds. She was amazed at what beauty it held in just a single stem.

For others beauty might come in watching your children sleep, or listening to music, looking at art, walking among the trees, or a juicy love relationship. Tap into that deep well where your sense of beauty resides, drink deeply of it and savor it. Do it every day. It doesn't have to be a long drink. Just enough to remind you that there is more in your life than stress and hurry.

EnJOY!

I'm Late, I'm Late

2010-08-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

In Alice in Wonderland, the white hare sings a famous little diddy that could be the theme song for many of our lives.

I'm late, I'm late for
A very important date.
No time to say hello, good-bye,
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late
Do you know the feeling?

Wayne Muller in his new book, A life of being, having and doing enough, writes that when he asks how people are they seem to all say: "I'm just trying to get caught up." Are you running from appointment to appointment, activity to activity, event to event simply to get caught up? I can remember a time when my day was so full I experienced each appointment, meeting, meal, deadline met simply as a check off on my list of things to do. At the end of the day I could take away little from my day that was fulfilling, pleasurable, delightful or fun. It simply was done and that was enough. Because if I could check all those things off, then I didn't have to play catch up the next day in my already jam packed scheduled. Looking back I wonder what in the world I was trying to accomplish because I don't remember much of what I did. I just was not fully present in any of it. My goal was to get as much done as possible. I never gave any thought to enjoying myself or savoring the moments.

How sad. Because you know what? I can't get those moments back - EVER! Going back to Alice in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter was accused of murdering time for singing to the Queen and as a result time stood still for the Hatter. I, too, was murdering time in my own way but it didn't stand still for me as a punishment. No, in fact, it just kept moving along and all those moments with kids, friends, family, husband, God, were killed off in my constant quest to be caught up. Our lives and the ones who are important in them become collateral damage as we fight against time.

So ask yourself, Are you trying to get caught up? And if so, caught up to what?

Breathe today, enjoy the moments and when you do you might discover that time does slow down after all.

Beginner's Mind

2010-08-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

One of the things that trips us busy women up and keeps us from taking time for ourselves is a sense of "how" things are supposed to be done and "how" we are supposed to do them. In many ways we use an expert's mind to determine the path of good parenting, good housekeeping, good use of time, etc. We work hard to complete the scenario in our expert's mind of how we want things to be, how we want our house to look, how we know the neighbor's will react, how our husbands, children or significant other will feel about us if we don't or we do and how we will feel about us if we don't or do. And through it all we groan under the pressure of this concept formed in our "expert's mind". When I say expert's mind I mean the kind of thinking that tells us that there is only one way to do things. And that way would be our way because we know best.

Think about that, though. By thinking like an expert we forget about other possibilities, other options, or alternative approaches because we have it mapped out in our minds. We limit ourselves and we tie ourselves up in knots trying to create this perfect picture. (You know what I mean, don't you. Ever stay up late finishing the laundry because there won't be any clothes to wear in the morning if you don't sacrifice some sleep to complete the task. Really? Really!)

Suzuki Roshi talks about a beginner's mind. In a beginner's mind there are many possibilities. In an expert's only a few. Think of a child who has been given a gift. What is it that fascinates the child? Is the toy or gift? Usually no. It is the...BOX. And with that box the child begins to play, create alternative ways of using it, and is happy, happy, happy. We, however, think how awful that we spent so much on that toy and all they want is the box and we try to entice them back to the toy. A clear example of a beginner's mind and an expert's mind in action. And who is happier, more relaxed and totally enjoying the experience?

So as you struggle to find a way to have time for yourself, ask yourself: "Am I using an expert's mind or a beginner's mind?" Then, start to play a bit in the realm of the beginner's mind and see what possibilities there are for you!

What blessings, delights and surprises await you when you approach life from a beginner's mind perspective rather than an expert.

EXHAUSTED

2010-08-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

So many people I know are exhausted. How about you? Are you one of them? People today seem to be more and more tired, feel more and more overwhelmed and yet can't seem to stop and breathe without feeling like a slackard or worse yet guilty.

How do we get beyond this hamster in the wheel existence? How do we take time to say enough for now -without a major catastrophe or illness stopping us? Who helps us see the damage we are doing to our bodies, to our relationships, to our families and communities through this constant push for doing more and having more? How do we help each other? AND how in God's name do we get rid of the guilt when we do stop?

There are lots of techniques for learning how to say NO, for putting yourself first and for taking some down time. But I find that they don't always take care of the guilt.

This guilt gremlin is an internal issue that drives us to external excess and therefore the solution is internal. And I think it has to do with listening to our inner wisdom. Unfortunately, our inner wisdom isn't a shouter, isn't a nagger, isn't an-in-your face talker. It is a quiet, steady hum in our inner most self that gently and graciously speaks the truth to us. The ego is BIG AND NOISY. Our inner wisdom is SOFT AND SURE. Guess who gets listened to?

You know what I'm saying,don't you? Your inner voice says you need a mental health day and you say, "Oh I can't do that, I've got too much to do at work". So off to work you go and everything you touch that day falls apart, doesn't work, or is a wasted effort. Or your inner wisdom says "I would really love a supper of fresh vegetables and fruit" and your kids say "Can we have pizza?" Not wanting to disappoint the kids and not wanting to cook, you go with pizza. And you go to bed feeling bloated and unsatisfied by your supper choice. Your inner wisdom says forget the laundry tonight and go cuddle with your husband for a while. Your guilt says "but who will finish the laundry and I'll do it after I'm done" only to find that husband is sound asleep when you finish all your household chores. Or guys you feel you don't want to let down your baseball, bowling, golf league by not showing up but your inner wisdom says, "I would love a night just to sit and play wiht my kids". Inner wisdom loses out a lot until faced with a life threatening illness, a divorce, a break down, a job loss and then our inner wisdom brings us to face to face with the choices we made.

Until we make inner wisdom our go to voice, our default mechanism, our primary care voice, we are going to continue to be exhausted. How do you listen to your inner wisdom and what does it say to you?

Cyber Space Solution

2010-07-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

So, my dilemma was partially solved by a glitch in the internet hook up. The place we are staying didn't have a connection for the first 3 days so I had no choice but to unhook. That was nice and easy. Now that it is hooked up again, I have to decide how much I am going to do. The choice at the moment is to listen to the rebroadcast of the classes at the end of the week and not when they are live. Because the internet connection will not let me send out emails, I only check those when we are out to get a Starbucks fix. So all in all the beach time is not compromised, I'm resting and I've cut way back on how tethered I am to the computer. It really is quite relaxing. Try it you might like it.

Time for MYself?

2010-07-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

So, friends, I'm on my way to Maine for a 2 week vacation and it is time to practice what I preach! Yikes. First, I've taken my laptop with me. No, no! And I've already had one conference call and I'm writing this blog. No,no, no.... Then I'm taking an on line class which has webinars twice a week plus homework. Do I listen in or wait til I get home and then catch up? But if I wait til I get home then I'll really be far behind. Dilemmas.

Can you feel my pain? This time for yourself stuff isn't easy and choices have to be made. Whatever I decide to do, and I will let you know, will be a conscious choice of mine. If I say Yes to the class, I know I am saying no to just chilling out and its consequences. If I say Yes to chilling out, then I know I am saying no to staying current in the class and its consequences.

We face these types of decisions every day and with each yes there is a corresponding no and vice versa. With time and practice the Yes to downtime will become a no to an overcrowded schedule. And therefore a Yes! to self care, health and sanity!!!!

More later on the power of a Positive No. For now know that I too struggle with these choices and we are in this together.

Breathe and take a break
Nancy

Stop The Excuses

2010-07-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was working with a woman who was clearly in need of some me time and all she kept offering to me were excuses as to why she couldn't take any. Then, she proceeded to complain about all the me time her husband takes for himself. Finally, I said, "Stop!" And thankfully she did. Even though my heart could really identify with her challenges and her life, I also knew that to keep up the excuses would paralyze her further in her martyr role.

So, let's talk turkey here my overworked friends. If you want to have time for yourself, then you have to take it. No excuses. Your husbands seem to be able to go golfing, play baseball, go out with the guys without guilt, without excuses. So why can't you? It may take a meeting of the minds to make it happen but make it happen you can do!

How do you do this? Begin your conversation with your motives clear. Why are you in need of this conversation? It has nothing to do with why you need the time; however, you can present your case logically and rationally. The conversation will provide a way for both of you to have your own time at least once a week. Do not get caught up in a debate nor let your emotions rule the conversation. Work from the answers to these four questions from Crucial Conversations by Patterson et al 1) What do I really want for myself? 2) What do I really want for others? 3) What do I really want for the relationship? 4) How would I behave if I really wanted these results.

Keep the environment safe. This is not a time for blaming, silence or yelling. Keep it calm, focus on what you really want, and step out of the conversation if you feel it is getting unsafe and make it safe again.

And I know the next excuse you make will be this..."that is just too hard". Yes, it is hard and you are worth the hard work. So step up and get to it. This is your life and the health and wellness of your family and relationships you are talking about.

Practice before the conversation, have the conversation and NO EXCUSES.

I'm in there with you,

Nancy

The Hard Truth - YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL!

2010-06-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry, folks but this is the hard truth. For too long women have been told that they can have it all, work, family, leisure all balanced nicely. Well, I'm here to tell you you can't. Now this isn't meant to be discouraging news. It's meant to freeing news. In the last blog I talked about not being Wonder Woman and wondered where we got the notion that we were. I think most of it comes from our own hopes and dreams that we can live an unlimited life within a limited timeframen and with limited energy. And that's a good dream. It just isn't realistic. So let's look at what we are pretending not to know around this subject and get real and be free. For centuries men have been able to work and have a family and enjoy leisure time. They can do this because someone else was taking care of the details of their lives like clean clothes, childcare and food prep. Now, I know this is a bit of a generalization and it has lots of basis in truth. So stay with me.(My apologies to those men who worked 2 jobs to provide for their families or did tend to the details of life. I know you exist and you are rare.)

Men have paid a high price for their ability to have it all - leading the list is their early deaths from heart attacks or strokes. Men know the toll having it all has taken on their physical, emotional and mental health. And women who are trying to work and take care of a family and find time for themselves are beginning to feel the effects of these high stakes as well. Heart attacks are quickly becoming a leading cause of death among women and the increase in use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications is enormous when compared to 10 years ago.

So let's all take a deep breath and look this monster in the eye. And as you do you may find that you are looking into a mirror because no one controls our schedules but us. In looking into this mirror how would you answer these questions. How full is your weekly schedule? If you were to draw a plate and put all your weekly activities on it as if they were food portions, how full is that plate? If it were a plate of food, how healthy would you be if you ate it all? What on that plate is a pure energy drainer? What are the energy boosters? Are there more drainers than boosters? Now, here come the hard questions. What can you eliminate from your plate right now? (It may require a family meeting but that's ok). What WILL you eliminate? Just because we see things that could be eliminated doesn't mean we will. Where do you over function so that others don't have to hardly function at all? What are the "voices" in your head saying to you about "doing it all". Are these voices realistic or old tapes that have you hooked on getting mom or dad's approval? Told you these are hard questions.

In fact, let's stop there and I challenge you to spend time over the next week drawing your plate, looking at it realistically and eliminating at least 2 things that drain your energy. How many activities do your children have to be in? How many trips are you willing to make to transport kids every week? Who shares the responsibilities with you? How are the responsibilities divided up? Ooops I guess I'm into more questions...I think you get the idea.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Wonder Women

2010-06-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I read a blog by a new mom who was wondering how she ever became Wonder Woman??? She was so clear and passionate about the change in her from pre baby to post baby and how she did nothing but work,work,work accomplishing far more than she ever thought was humanly possible. And it was a job she wasn't sure wanted full time. Bravo for her! What I loved about her blog was that she wasn't complaining about caring for her family. This was not a whiny hiney!!! She truly wondered how she would ever find time for herself again and what that loss would mean to her and her family in the long run. Here's the bottom line. Women, new moms in particular, we/you are NOT wonder woman. You have a limited amout of time and energy and there seems to be a limitless amount to do. You cannot control time. It marches on at the same pace every day despite what it might feel like. What you can control is your energy. Start with the basics...Physical energy. Eating properly and getting enough sleep are as important as feeding your baby properly and making sure your little one gets enough sleep. Make your meals a priority. Eat high protein, low carb meals. If you cannot eat 3 large meals then eat 5-6 small ones. Stock up on high protein snacks and drink lots of water. And sleep when the baby sleeps. I heard this advice when my girls were babies and I thought I knew better. That was my time to clean, do the laundry and make meals. FORGET THAT RIGHT NOW. Sleep or at least lie down and rest with a good book. This is replenishing your physical energy center. As for the housework...get a teen to come in and help, enlist the daddy of that little darling, or just let it go. Believe me it is not going anywhere and it will be there when you have the energy to tackle it. And please, no whining about how hard that will be for you to just leave it. DO IT! One thing I have learned over time is that just because it is hard doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. Repeat after me: I AM NOT WONDER WOMAN. I AM A HUMAN BEING WHO PROTECTS HER ENERGY. Happy Energy Saving and EnJOY! Nancy

"I" Care

2010-06-14T06:34:00.001-07:00

Taking time for yourself seems to be a luxury that most busy women forego. In a recent and very unscientific survey I took of women on my facebook page and in my address book, the number one frustration they cited about self-care was "having time for myself". Underlying that frustration was a STRONG emotion - guilt. They felt guilty about taking time for themselves which made me wonder which came first - the lack of time or the guilt. If we constantly keep ourselves so busy that we "don't" have time to care for self, then there is no opportunity to feel guilty is there? I know people, myself at one time included, who hope to get sick so they could rest for a while. You know just a little cold or stomach bug - enough to warrant staying home and in bed and not feel guilty! How sick is that? And yet for many busy women, especially working moms, this isn't that far fetched is it? This blog will offer tips and insights on how to move beyond guilt and into a healthy regimen of self care that will benefit not only you but your family as well. I also hope you will become a fan on my facebook page - Fresh Perspectives where we can share information and success stories. For today start with a simple list of all the things you love to do for self-care! You can call it "I" Care!