One of my proclivities is to take care of and be of service to others. Done appropriately it can bring satisfaction and purpose to my life. Done to the extreme it becomes a neurosis and a paralyzing way to live. It leads to overfunctioning which creates energy leaks in my body and soul. It also strips away the potential for others to learn to do for themselves. It can be a slippery slope.
It also can be a symptom of a deeper ego need - the need to please. Many times I have cursed this part of my personality as I realize too late that it is a fool's errand to try and please others with my 'brilliant' solutions or self-sacrificing actions only to be reminded that I can't please everyone no matter how hard I try. Usually this revelation comes when I'm exhausted from doing too much.
Mark Nepo in his wonderful book, The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live An Authentic Life, writes "I had tried so hard to please that I never realized no one is watching." That statement brought me up short as I came face to face with a reality I wasn't willing to acknowledge. Who is watching? An imagined parent, teacher or audience that has gathered to applaud all I've accomplish in such a short amount of time, to marvel over how good I am at multitasking, or nod in agreement when I put everyone ahead of my needs? The reality is my audience is made up of one flesh and blood person with limited energy and one life to live. That one is me.
Who's watching you rush from activity to activity, caretaking to caretaking, task to task? What are they telling you? And how does your inner self truly want to respond?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Toxic People
Sometimes the clutter in our life comes not from stuff but from people. Last blog focused on the "stuff" that clutters our lives and as promised this one will focus on relationship clutter! And I tread gently but firmly into this blog.
There are people who, when we are in their presence, cast a negative energy over us. You know who they are. They are the whiners, the complainers, the nay-sayers, the needy manipulative ones, the negative Nellie's or Neil's who never have anything positive to contribute to a conversation. I find that my mental health spirals down when I'm with them. Too many of them at any given time and I'm in a royal funk.
Often we find ourselves working with folks like this and dread going to work or being around them. How do we get away from them in situations like this? It can be hard to impossible to physically remove yourself from their presence. However, there are things you can do.
1. Find your voice and set your boundary. For example, when they begin their descent into negativity, stop them with a "I wonder if you could frame that in the positive. Whenever you begin with a negative, I find that I can't think as creatively to solve the problem." Or, "I find that positive statements help me move forward when we are faced with a problem like this. When we work together I would appreciate it if you could share from a more positive perspective."
2. Don't spend time with them outside of work situations. Again you have to set your boundary and simply say, "My personal time is important to me and I am committed to spending it with a positive frame of mind or only with positive, upbeat people." It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions. They will have to learn to live with the consequences of their conversational tone.
Now, what if this person is a family member? Yikes, it is tough to cut them out of your life. However, you can still set your boundary with them. And each time they begin with the toxicity or gossip or negative talk, restate your boundary asking them to refrain in your presence.
Not getting hooked by folks like this is the bottom line. So even if you can't get away from them you are responsible for how you respond to them. Humor is always a good antidote to toxic personalities. Keeping yourself creative by taking time to breathe deeply is another way to respond. And removing yourself from their presence is always your default option. Always. It's not easy but it is necessary if you are to live a life of positive energy.
This is a huge topic. And there is more to it than this brief foray into it but it is a start. There will be more on toxic people and relationships to come. For now, check your boundaries. Look at where you are tolerating toxic people and how they are affecting your life. Make a plan, seek out a coach or trusted counselor to help you find your way around them. And remember you have to respect yourself in order to get the toxic folks out of your life.
There are people who, when we are in their presence, cast a negative energy over us. You know who they are. They are the whiners, the complainers, the nay-sayers, the needy manipulative ones, the negative Nellie's or Neil's who never have anything positive to contribute to a conversation. I find that my mental health spirals down when I'm with them. Too many of them at any given time and I'm in a royal funk.
Often we find ourselves working with folks like this and dread going to work or being around them. How do we get away from them in situations like this? It can be hard to impossible to physically remove yourself from their presence. However, there are things you can do.
1. Find your voice and set your boundary. For example, when they begin their descent into negativity, stop them with a "I wonder if you could frame that in the positive. Whenever you begin with a negative, I find that I can't think as creatively to solve the problem." Or, "I find that positive statements help me move forward when we are faced with a problem like this. When we work together I would appreciate it if you could share from a more positive perspective."
2. Don't spend time with them outside of work situations. Again you have to set your boundary and simply say, "My personal time is important to me and I am committed to spending it with a positive frame of mind or only with positive, upbeat people." It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions. They will have to learn to live with the consequences of their conversational tone.
Now, what if this person is a family member? Yikes, it is tough to cut them out of your life. However, you can still set your boundary with them. And each time they begin with the toxicity or gossip or negative talk, restate your boundary asking them to refrain in your presence.
Not getting hooked by folks like this is the bottom line. So even if you can't get away from them you are responsible for how you respond to them. Humor is always a good antidote to toxic personalities. Keeping yourself creative by taking time to breathe deeply is another way to respond. And removing yourself from their presence is always your default option. Always. It's not easy but it is necessary if you are to live a life of positive energy.
This is a huge topic. And there is more to it than this brief foray into it but it is a start. There will be more on toxic people and relationships to come. For now, check your boundaries. Look at where you are tolerating toxic people and how they are affecting your life. Make a plan, seek out a coach or trusted counselor to help you find your way around them. And remember you have to respect yourself in order to get the toxic folks out of your life.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Clutter Happens
The last blog on environmental energy generated quite a few responses. Among them was one that said besides darkness clutter drains her energy faster than anything else. And she is right.
Look around you. Where is there clutter in your life? Is it in your office, your bedroom, your kitchen, your dining room, your living room, or your entire house? How about the basement or attic? There may even be clutter in your relationships. People who drain your energy but we'll talk about that next time. Believe it or not living in clutter drains your energy and keeps you from being as creative and productive as you can be.
What do you do with all the clutter? The obvious answer is get rid of it. But if it were that obvious it wouldn't still be there would it? If you feel you just do not have the time to clear it out yourself, hire someone. There are many reputable companies, owned by women, who just come in,declutter and organize your stuff. They are a wonderful asset to have. Not only will they declutter, they will teach you how to keep it from recluttering! You could also ask a friend to come over and help you sort through and make it a girl time. I had a friend who when her kids were little kept 3 laundry baskets under her dining room table and covered the table with a long, very long, tablecloth. You know where this is going, don't you? She would just put all the clutter - kids toys, shoes, papers, etc - in the laundry baskets and slide them out of sight under the table. Once a week she would sort them out.
A good friend of mine, Theresa Downham, who is one of those declutter businesswomen, tells folks to go to the farthest point in the room and begin there in that one corner. She advises doing sections at a time instead of tackling the whole room or house or basement at once. It works.
Bottom line, when we are busy working and caring for families clutter happens. Without a plan to keep it under control we can find our energy depleted even further just because we are living in clutter.
Clear off that desk, that counter top, that shelf and see how much better you feel and how your energy is boosted.
Look around you. Where is there clutter in your life? Is it in your office, your bedroom, your kitchen, your dining room, your living room, or your entire house? How about the basement or attic? There may even be clutter in your relationships. People who drain your energy but we'll talk about that next time. Believe it or not living in clutter drains your energy and keeps you from being as creative and productive as you can be.
What do you do with all the clutter? The obvious answer is get rid of it. But if it were that obvious it wouldn't still be there would it? If you feel you just do not have the time to clear it out yourself, hire someone. There are many reputable companies, owned by women, who just come in,declutter and organize your stuff. They are a wonderful asset to have. Not only will they declutter, they will teach you how to keep it from recluttering! You could also ask a friend to come over and help you sort through and make it a girl time. I had a friend who when her kids were little kept 3 laundry baskets under her dining room table and covered the table with a long, very long, tablecloth. You know where this is going, don't you? She would just put all the clutter - kids toys, shoes, papers, etc - in the laundry baskets and slide them out of sight under the table. Once a week she would sort them out.
A good friend of mine, Theresa Downham, who is one of those declutter businesswomen, tells folks to go to the farthest point in the room and begin there in that one corner. She advises doing sections at a time instead of tackling the whole room or house or basement at once. It works.
Bottom line, when we are busy working and caring for families clutter happens. Without a plan to keep it under control we can find our energy depleted even further just because we are living in clutter.
Clear off that desk, that counter top, that shelf and see how much better you feel and how your energy is boosted.
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